1/15 feeling hmm
with new years comes new renewal of energy...i feel this heavily, but also, want to take things day by day. i feel like at many points i've tried to do all the right things to build good structures and habits for myself, and then something happens and all that structure falls, and it is a 6 month hole to claw back out of it. when i got fired last june, i thought it was the end of the world. it destroyed my self esteem and i just wanted no one to talk to me, or go any where, or do anyhing, other then lay and watch tv and eat my feelings and shop on the internet. that coinciding with graduauting from college..all of the things i liked doing, thought i was, well, good at, they all washed away. after i graduated, it was a anticlimactic car ride back home and i started work at my job next monday.
sometimes, i wonder what i could have done differently, or if i could have quit beforehand so i could have some dignity. and when i run into old coworkers (this city really feels like a small town sometimes, heh) i just freeze up. GAH!
moving across the sea is really scary. i feel like i've just gotten back to a place where i'm okay and i can build a good life with good routines and good systems, good connections to local people, and i will have to find new ways to maintain these connections. i want to invest a lot of time in having a lot of fun and learning, paying lots of attention.